Bottom Ten Mediocre to Bad Films of 2009

It’s that time again to spew my venom on the dreck that Hollywood shells out to the American public every year. I tried my best to save my money on the excrement, but somehow I am suckered into seeing this shit. I wanted to give a huge middle finger to the films that were a waste of celluloid. In addition, this is my final chance to eviscerate these films for my pleasure.

10. The Proposal – I knew that the premise of this movie preposterous. Come on. A bitchy ice queen wants to forces her shy, but smoking hot assistant to marry so she could not be deported to Canada. Canada? Are you fucking me? What’s wrong with Canada? Pack your parka, toots? To keep up the ruse, they go to Alaska. She is shocked by this. It’s just as cold. The only thing saved this film is seeing Ryan Reynolds buck ass naked and Betty White.

9. Blood: The Last Vampire – When I was doing my “Creep-A-Thon”, I heard about this movie. I thought that the film was from the 70s. I swear that the movie was dubbed. It didn’t seem like an English production. It was so static. The acting was wooden with the broken English. The special effects were blah. Seeing the endless amounts of vampire ooze got on my damn nerves. It wasn’t a horror movie. It was actually a comedy. I laughed how it was absurd this movie was made.

8. Fast & Furious – When I was compiling this list, I completely forgot that I saw this waste of a movie on here until the last minute. I was lukewarm going into this movie, because I wanted to watch something else. It did enjoy first movie that had the “thes”. You bring back the original cast for this soulless fourth installment. You turn a high-intensity film about drag racing into a mediocre revenge CSI movie. Awful. Just plain awful.

7. X-Men Origins: Wolverine – Even after the well-publicized leak of the movie, I can’t believe that this movie still succeeded at the box office. You think that the action was being good. Meh. Live Schreiber’s gallop was atrocious. The story was incoherent filled with glaring plot holes and inconsistencies that go against what Wolverine’s mutant powers are. Can we think about the special effects? What have they been smoking? The only bright side is Hugh Jackman bare ass and Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool, not Weapon X.

6. Dragonball: Evolution – This movie was bashed before it was screened. Whitewashing a movie is never a good sign to make it more accessible. I loved the original magna series, “Dragonball Z”. The movie is not horrible, per se. It’s not good. I felt bad for Chow-Yun Fat and Emmy Rossum. The story was uninspired. The CG was laughable. This movie is so bad that it’s good. So, so bad.

5. The Ugly Truth – I cannot believe that people called this a “romantic comedy”. What the fuck have you been drinking? You would want a frigid woman fall in love with a Neanderthal. Who would actually find this movie charming or romantic in any conceivable way? This man, who is essentially a pig, would be the “love coach” for this woman by having this horribly blunt conversation laden with filthy talk. The only highlight is Eric Winter’s ass shot. That’s it.

4. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li – Having a Street Fighter film that is not about Ken or Ryu is not good. You focus on the “origin story” of Chun-Li that had the step-by-step cliché storyline. It was noting special. The wirework was bad and uncoordinated. Where the fuck did that energy ball come from? You take perfectly fine actors make them into buffoons with Neal McDonaugh and Michael Clarke Duncan. Chris Klein in this movie was beyond the level of suckatude. He was Charlie Nash. Nash out!

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2. (tie) Obsessed & Year One – This is a rarity that I don’t do that often. I did not see these movies at the theaters, because of the bad buzz that it received. When I tried to watch these films on DVD, I could only get through ten minutes of each movie before turning it off. They were so awful that I couldn’t be bothered to watch it all the way through or even review it on the blog.

1. Paranormal Activity – I don’t know the hype was all about. I saw this movie because I was in the middle of my “Creep-A-Thon”. Seeing the commercials where the audience where jumping out their seats, it kinda had me intrigued. This movie was hyped up so much that I terribly disappointed of how fucking boring the movie is. I didn’t give a flying fuck about this couple, the woman having a demon fellow her. Ooh! If that woman trusted her instincts, she wouldn’t have to deal with that asshole of boyfriend. Nothing happened. They have the inane conservations that drag on. The ending fucking sucked. I can’t believe this made a shitload of money. It boggles the mind. The power of hype at work.