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MacGruber (2010)

MacGruber don’t play like homie, and homie don’t play that game.

— MacGruber

Saturday Night Live is trying to harken back to the days that they had successful spin-offs of their characters like the Blues Brothers in The Blues Brothers or Wayne and Garth in the Wayne’s World franchise instead of the less than great ones like Superstar, Night at the Roxbury, It’s Pat and The Ladies’ Man. Will Forte translates his famous bumbling hero MacGruber in this big screen adaptation. Does this break the curse? The answer is a resounding no.

I have to admit I have seen bits and pieces of the sketches. I got the jest of them. MacGruber is in a situation where there are explosives and he has to disarm it, but he blows himself up and everyone around him instead. How do you make that into a movie? This movie tries to play it completely straight, but makes fun of those typical eighties action movies.

Col. James Faith (Power Boothe) tracks down the only American hero that has earned the rank of Green Beret, Navy SEAL and Army Ranger and was awarded sixteen purple hearts, three Congressional Medals of Honor and seven presidential medals of bravery at a monastery in Pueblo, New Mexico. I don’t know. I wasn’t paying attention to the details.

He has Lt. Dixon Piper (Ryan Philippe) in tow to find a guy that was presumed dead for a decade after MacGruber’s fiancée, Casey (Maya Rudolph) was killed at the alter by the evil Dieter Von Cunth (Val Kilmer). He is up to his old tricks when Von Cunth orchestrates a massacre in Siberia in order to steal a nuclear warhead, the X-5. Inexplicably, the U.S. government could only turn to this bumbling idiot to help stop Von Cunth.

Col. Faith wants MacGruber to have the inexperienced Lt. Piper as the part of his team. MacGruber declines because he doesn’t like him. Plain and simple. MacGruber tries to assemble his own team with a bunch of old friends that are real-life wrestlers: Frank Korver (Chris Jericho), Tut Beemer (Mark Henry), Vernon Freedom (MVP), Tug Phelps (The Great Khali), and Tanker Lutz (Kane).

When the team are about to depart, MacGruber’s homemade C-4 bombs accidentally kill his team. His second team now includes Piper and a former team member of MacGruber’s, Vicki St. Elmo (Kirsten Wiig). She is hesitant about reteaming with MacGruber who has a “budding music career.” She quickly drops that to go on the idiotic journey with MacGruber.

I was wrestling with the movie when the credits rolled. I kinda liked it, but it some things did not work at all. The only things that I laughed at when the sexual humor, the sex scene and the scene with the celery. That’s it. Everything else was dead in the water to me. I can’t pontificate anymore about this.

Judgment: Another SNL movie going into the Hall of Shame.

Rating: **

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True Romance (1993)

 

Hi. How are you? My name’s Elliot, and I’m with the Cub Scouts of America. We’re… we’re selling uncut cocaine to get to the jamboree.

— Elliot

Quentin Tarantino penned the script for True Romance for director Tony Scott. I heard about this movie, because when I saw the IMDb page of Inglourious Basterds. He made one of the characters “Bear Jew” Donowitz the grandfather of one of the character in this movie. I thought I might check it out. I think this was Tarantino’s attempt to have a bloodily romantic movie, but it fails.

Taking place in Detroit, a comic book store worker, Clarence Worley (Christian Slater) goes to a Sonny Chiba “Street Fighter” triple feature. A beautiful young woman, Alabama Whitman (Patricia Arquette) intentionally bumps into him there. They take a liking to each other and meet each other for pie. He tries to get to know her more, but she is coy.

They quickly fall in love and have sex. Afterwards, Alabama confesses to him that she is a call girl that was hired by his boss to get him laid on his birthday. They promise to be with each other always and get married the next day. She tells him about her fucked up life and how needed to get her stuff back from her pimp

When shit is about to go down the spirit of Elvis (Val Kilmer) gives Clarence a quick pep talk in the bathroom. Clarence wants to retrieve Alabama’s stuff from her former pimp, a Rasta man named Drexl (Gary Oldman). Going over there, things go wrong when he kills Drexl and takes a suitcase. It turns out that suitcase is filled with a million dollars worth of cocaine from a drug lord, Blue Lou Boyle.

The duo doesn’t know this. When Clarence comes back to the apartment bloody and bruised, Alabama is turned on by doing anything for her. They go over to a trailer house to meet his father, Clifford (Dennis Hooper), who is a police officer. They haven’t seen each other in three years. He wanted to know if the cops are after the twosome. Clifford tells them that they are in the clear.

They take a road trip Clarence’s best friend in Hollywood, Dick Ritchie (Michael Rappaport), an actor with his stoner roommate, Floyd (Brad Pitt). After the duo leaves, Vincenzo Coccotti (Chirstopher Walken), the local counsel for Boyle, pays Clifford a visit. The thugs interrogate him when Clarence dropped his license at the crime scene. They want to get their score back.

The movie is supposed to be a modern version of Bonnie and Clyde, but the movie felt false. You know you hear Tarantino dialogue when the characters ramble on about movies and minute trivia. The movie as whole laid flat. There was no oomph. I didn’t care if the characters lived or died. It was disappointing.

Judgment: Words cannot describe how terrible this movie is.

Rating: **1/2

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