FB Rant: Top Ten Movie Conventions That Need to Die!
The follow rant contains coarse language that is directed to the movie industry as whole and the typical American moviegoer. Don’t let the kiddies read any further.
Lately, the American people have been bombarded with trailers, pictures, about the same stories over and over again.
I have compiled a list of movie genres that need to die:
1. Unnecessary Sequels – Unless it is a good movie and that is have a worthy story for a continuation. Don’t make a sequel. Look at “Night at the Museum 2”, “Terminator Salvation”, “Pink Panther 2” and eventually “Paul Blart 2.”
2. Prequels or Interquels – Why the fuck would you do that? Who gives a flying fuck about how something started? Let us in suspense, you dip shit. Examples: “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”, “Underworld: Rise of the Lycans”, “Star Wars Episodes 1-3”, “Fast & Furious”
3. Remakes, Reimagining, Reboots – Whenever you call it, it’s still going to suck hard cock. Trying to make something on fringe more mainstream aka watered down drivel to peddle to the dumb American moviegoer. Complete waste of money, talent and time. Examples: “My Bloody Valentine: 3D”, “Last House on the Left”, “Friday the 13th.” Remake a shitty movie and make it better. Duh!
4. Cheesy Cookie Cutter Romantic Comedies – They are the same formula, different configuration. You are not fooling anyone. Boy meets girl. Boy lies to girl to get her. Boy keeps a secret from her. Boy confides in best friend, family member or co-worker with said secret. They fall in love. Secret gets out. They break up. Cue the sappy music with endless stares out the rainy window, long walks on the sidewalk, looking at the phone. The grand gesture of love when the boy runs to girl and declare his love for her. They kiss. Up crane shot fading into black. Sound familiar. Examples: “He’s Just Not That Into You”, “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past”, “27 Dresses.”
5. Post-Apocalyptic Tales – Why all the doom and gloom, people? Why is everyone so set on the end of the world? Our horrible death? The Earth blowing up into space dust? There is a billion movies about the end of the world and I am sick of it. Examples: “The Book of Eli”, “The Road”, “Terminator Salvation”.
6. WWII/Holocaust/Nazi Movies – We get it, people! Jews good. Nazis bad. Hitler worse. Any kind of spin you put on it, it’s still the fucking same thing. The ending is anti-climatic. Talk about WWI, The Spanish American War, the War of 1812,. I don’t give a fuck. Something! Examples: “The Reader”, “Good,” “Defiance”, “Valkyrie”, “The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas.”
7. Oscar baity movies – Those awful movies that were clearly made for Oscars so the studios could puff up their chests on Oscar night. Examples: “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”, “Atonement”, “Michael Clayton”, “Forrest Gump.”
8. Unnecessary Horror Movie Franchises – How many fucking “Saw” movies are you going to crank out? Really? Examples: “Saw”, Hostel”, “Final Destination.””
9. Badly CG movies – You think that you could get away with movies that have crappy CG effects? Example: “Angels and Demons”
10. Mediocre Blockbuster Movies – You could just dole out mindless entertainment to the masses, so you could make a profit. WTF! Examples: “Taken”, “Fast & Furious”, “Paul Blart: Mall Cop.”
I’ve said my peace.