The Losers (2010)

I’m warning you, I am a lethal killing machine. It was a secret government experiment. They did stuff to me. Spooky stuff… Anal stuff. It turned me into a dangerous telekinetic. In the words of Ancient Taoist masters, Don’t start none… Won’t be none.

— Jensen

A couple of months ago, I did a “Compare and Contrast” about how familiar the upcoming A-Team movie adaptation is to this movie, The Losers. Both of these films deal with mercenaries that were betrayed and they have nothing to lose. I also want to point out that this sounds familiar to another movie, The Expendables, the new Stallone flick. Not being familiar with the original Andy Diggle comic book series, I went into this movie blind. This film is a huge stink bomb. Let me explain.

This movie starts in Bolivia where a US Special Forces soldiers; pilot Pooch (Columbus Short), hacker Jensen (Chris Evans), sniper Cougar (Óscar Jaenada), the second-in-command Roque (Idris Elba) and leader Clay (Jeffery Dean Morgan) make up the titular team. They are on a search and destroy mission to kill shameless drug and arms dealer, Fadhil (Peter Francis James) who is using children as drug mules. The team doesn’t know this before the air strike is about to happen. When the team tries to call off the strike, the military chain of command proceeds, but the Losers save the kids.

The team is betrayed by their handler, Max (Jason Patric) who thinks that the helicopter that his blows up had the rescued kids, instead of them. Feeling the ultimate betrayal and presumed dead, the team are not soldiers anymore and decide to find a way to get back to the US legitimately. They take small jobs at local doll factory to scrape some money together.

At a bar one night, Clay meets a beautiful woman, Aisha (Zoe Saldana) who informs him after a rough and tumble fight in his hotel room that she has a way to get the guys back into the States and get revenge on Max. The rest of the team are not too keen on the plan, especially Roque would thinks that Clay loses his edge when a woman is involved in a mission. Clay goes against Roque’s wishes and aligns himself with Aisha.

Meanwhile, the “evil” Max hatches his plan for world destruction contract a couples of scientist from Dubai to get him an environmentally friendly bomb called a snuke to start a war that would benefit the United States. Sidebar—a green terrorist? That is ludicrous. I laughed my ass off when that phrase came out of his mouth. He is joined by his right-hand man, Wade (Holt McCallany) to carry out his master plan.

The Losers go to a rendezvous point in Miami which they think that Max is being transported, but it turns out to be a high-tech safe deposit box. They think that it could be the leverage they need to take Max down once and for all.

The movie is insipid. I thought the cast was fine with the exception of Jason Patric. What movie do he come from? He was laughable as the “bad guy” with that fucked up left hand of his that was never explained. Did he try to channel Hannibal Lecter there? It was cringe-worthy to say the least. The action was fine for a PG-13 flick. I have to say, do we need to subplot about Jensen being heavily into his niece’s soccer team, The Petunias. There is some glaring plotholes that had me scratching my head.

Judgment: Just another subpar action flick.

Rating: **

Towelhead (2008)

How Can You Find Yourself if No One Can See You?

I mentioned this movie, Towelhead on my worst movies of 2008 list a while ago. I didn’t want to write a review, because why waste my time with this movie. I heard that a podcast that I listen to on a regular basis, /Filmcast was reviewing the DVD on their show with Stephen Tobolowsky. Stephen is so cool that I would give this movie another shot for him.

I still hate it, even more now. I would be revealing spoilers out the yin-yang about this pile of a movie.

If you have any desire to watch this movie, don’t. If you do, do not read any further. You have been warned.

Towelhead tells the story of a 13-year-old Lebanese girl named Jasira Maroun (Summer Bishil) who in the opening scene of this movie is in the bathroom with her mom’s boyfriend, Barry (Chris Messina) shaving her pubes. What the fuck? There is a whole deal with her pubes that I will delve into later.

Her mom, Gail Monahan (Maria Bello) discovers them. She blames Jasira for her boyfriend doing that to her. She promply sends Jasirs to her uptight, conservative Lebanese-Christian father, Rifat’s (Peter Macdissi) house in Houston.

He treats her like a servant. When she arrives at the table with no bra on under her shirt. He slaps her across the face.

The next door neighbors Travis and Evelyn Vuoso (Aaron Eckhart, Carrie Preston) come by with their son, Zack (Chase Ellison). They try to be nice to Jasira welcoming her and they offend the father about the Persian Gulf War.

Jasira becomes Zack’s babysitter. He calls her “towelhead”, “camel jockey”, and “sand nigger.” Why? Are all Texans that ignorant? She catches Zack in his father’s weight room looking at a porno magazine. Jasira has daydreams about the busty women in various montages. Why are they there? Travis catches them reading the mags. He is taken with Jasira.

She rhythmically moves her legs until she has an orgasm when she is by herself at home or school.

Anyway, writer/director, Alan Ball shows Jasira riding the crimson wave all over the place. Rifat doesn’t want to buy tampons for her. The maxi pads he buys doesn’t hold her heavy flow. A Hispanic woman talking to her in Spanish in the school toilet while handing her a tampon. What? Everybody brown-skinned person should know Spanish all of sudden. They show her bloody tampon in the toilet at the father’s house. He discovers it. Calls her a slut.

Then, everybody post-pubescent boy wants to have a piece of Jasira. I guess, when she is bleeding, the boys go in heat. Everybody wants her milkshake. Travis Vuoso comes back and fingers her up and sees his bloody fingertips and leaves.

There is a sequence with the grandmother in Beirut. Why is she writing to Jasira in French? Jasira doesn’t know French. If they speak French in Lebanon, then I stand corrected. She had to have a classmate translate the letter to her class. After class, people are calling her “diaperhead” and “sand nigger”. Give me a break.

The boy that called her a sand nigger, Thomas (Eugene Jones III) says to her that people shouldn’t say that to her. You just did it, you dipshit. Later, he wants to shave her crotch, feel her up, jerk off in front of her and then “take her virginity.” Oh, spare me, One Minute Man.

The father gives Jasira a taste of beer. Travis comes back to apologize. He takes Jasira out of dinner in a Mexican restaurant has gotten Jasira drunk off of his margarita. Then, later has Jasira take her clothes off and have sex with him while her dad is away with his girlfriend.

The only saving grace in this film is Toni Collete and Matt Letscher as the other neighbors, Gil and Melina Hines. Their house was a safe haven for Jasira when her father physically abuses her.

I had enough of the film and I turned it off.

I was personally offended as a fellow Houstonian where this film takes place. We do not have the stupid accent that everyone is speaking. We are not stupid hillbillies that called people, “towelheads”, “diaperheads” or “sand niggers” in rapid secession.

Why would anybody love this movie? What is it about the subject matter that appealed to Alan Ball?

These characters are awful human beings. Why was this movie made? I’m sorry. Not everything that Alan Ball touches turns to gold. This was a large lump of coal.

My judgment: If you want to have a story about child molestation, bodily fluids and dysfunctional families, I would suggest reading Running With Scissors. Don’t watch that godawful movie it was based on.

My rating: *