Does it look like I got cunt written on my head? Who do you think you are fucking with?

– Chev Chelios

The high intensity action movie Crank was never my kind of movie. I am the big action anti-hero movie kind of guy. Directors Neveldine/Taylor has a reputation of having a buffed anti-hero kicking ass and taking names with jump cuts, thumping music and saturated lens. It feels like combination between Danny Boyle, Tony Scott and Renny Harlin. That may not end up as a good thing.

Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) is a contract killer for a Los Angles crime syndicate. He wakes up to find himself a groggy mess. There is a video playing of Ricky Verona (Jose Pablo Cantillo) drugging him with the “Beijing Cocktail” on Chev’s TV. Ricky’s motive for the injection is retribution for not killing Don Kim (Keone Young).

Little does Chev know is that the serum slows down his heart. He has one hour to live before the serum kills him. He calls Doc Miles (Dwight Yoakum). Doc informs Chev that he has to keep his heart pumping with adrenaline to stay alive by any means necessary from coke, tossing back Red Bulls, car chases, and nasal spray or fucking his brains out with his pothead girlfriend, Eve (Amy Smart).

He wants to seek revenge on Ricky. He enlists the help of his gay friend, Kaylo (Efren Ramirez) to get Chev closer to getting Ricky. Chev realizes that his boss Carlito (Carlos Sanz) is conspiring with Ricky for Chev not finishing the job.

As Chev stretches his limited time, Doc Miles tells him that he needs to find epinephrine. He tears Los Angeles apart to get the drug. He overdoses on the epinephrine and he has to burn it off.

From the get go, the movie is beyond reality with the ridiculous premise. I understand the movie is supposed to be frenetic and fast paced. Sometimes it could be too much. I believe that Neveldine/Taylor knows that the movie is ridiculous and treat it as much. There was the WTF sequel Crank: High Voltage that came out earlier this year, it makes the ending falls flat. Sorta speak.

Judgment: This is a fun movie that should not be taken seriously.

Rating: ***1/2

I probably wouldn’t ever see Carl Dreyer’s Vampyr if it wasn’t for The 1001 Movies You Must See that I recently joined. This sucker was hard to find, but I managed to find the Criterion Edition of this classic vampire tale. I made the same mistake again by watching a semi-silent movie at night. I dozed.

Allan Gray (Julian West) religiously studies of the occult, devil worshiping and vampires lore. He becomes so obsessed that he could not distinguish between real and the supernatural. One night, he wanders into a creepy chateau down by a river in a town called Coutermpierre.

When he gets settled in, he hears what appears to be an incantation from somewhere in the inn. He investigates. Allan doesn’t see anyone and returns to his room. In the midst of sleep,  the lord of the manor (Maurice Schutz) bursts into his room and babbles to Allan about leaving the place before the house takes him over. He leaves a mysterious package on desk to be opened after his death. After the lord leaves,  Allan fears that someone– not himself–  is in trouble.

During his stay at the chateau, he sees shadows dancing on the walls, but nobody is there. He meets more of the inhabitants like the scythe-wielding man that carries a bell. Allan explores more of the chateau and the strange happenings around the place. The lord’s daughters, Gisèlle (Rena Handel) and Léone (Sybille Schmitz) have been suffering for what appears to be anemia.

The lord of the house is shot by one of the shadows and Allan is asked to stay away from the family with a servant to get the village doctor (Jan Heironimko). After the lord’s death, Allan opens the package to find a book, “The Strange History of Vampires” by Paul Bonnard. It chronicles the history of vampire lore. He reads the passages and suspects that there is a vampire amongst them.

This movie was made in1932. I want to know how they got the skulls or the shadows to move independently. This is a fascinating movie that I thought was a silent film. It has probably ten minutes of actual dialogue in the movie. Most of the time is Allan exploring the chateau.

The one complaint I have to the movie is the camerawork. It felt jerky. The way that the camera follows the characters in and out of rooms felt jerky and sped up the suspense to be effective.

Judgment: I would recommned this for the people who don’t want to be the blood and gore of other vampire movies.

Rating: ****

If I am not me, then who the hell am I?

– Douglas Quaid

Here is another movie that I was embarrassed that I have never seen, Total Recall. People bragged how cool the movie is. I have to admit that it’s freaking awesome.

In the not too distant future, Earth has colonized some of the planets in the solar system including Saturn and Mars. An unhappy construction worker, Doug Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger) has strange dreams about the struggle between the rebels and the corporation, led by Cohaagan (Ronny Cox) control the action on the red planet.

His wife, Lori (Sharon Stone) is worried that he is becoming obsessed with vacationing on Mars. He finds an alternative from a co-worker about a company called Recall, Incorporated who implants fake memories into their clients.

A smooth salesman Bob McClane (Ray Baker) persuades Doug to upgrade to an “ego trip”, which is essentially a vacation from themselves. Doug wants to be a secret agent.

There is a malfunction in the machine when he goes into the schizophrenic state, instead of a medically induced coma. Consequently, his memories are erased. The agency wants to cover its tracks.

After he comes back to the city, his life is turned upside down. His whole life is not real. He’s name is not Doug Quaid. He was implanted by the Agency. Everybody in his life is a double agent that tries to extract vital information from his brain.

He is chased by Richter (Michael Ironside) and Helm (Michael Champion) that wants to kill him. An unknown guy phones Doug to pick up a suitcase that contains a video message from himself. He learns that his is not what he thinks he is. The message says that he needs to get himself to Mars. Find Kuato that is the savior of the Mars colony. He wants what is in Quaid’s head. He has to reconnect with a woman from The Last Resort, Melina (Rachel Ticotin).

The movie left me wondering, was the world real or imaginary? Two or three times in the movie, it seems like the life of Quaid is not his. This movie was made in 1990. The “futuristic” elements like the videophones and guns felt dated. The vehicles looked like the Delorean on crack. The dialogue is hilarious at times. I don’t know if that the director, Paul Verhoeven intended for that to happen.

Judgment: A solid sci-fi thriller that makes you think what is real and what is not.

Rating: ****

Things are going to be a little different around here… without Don.

– Brian Clough

The Damned United was not on my radar whatsoever. I never heard of the film until Mike from Big Mike’s Movie Blog reviewed it. I heard that people were digging this movie. Typically, I don’t like sports films, especially soccer. This movie tries to delve into the genius of England’s greatest soccer coach, Brian Clough, but it barely scratches the surface.

In July 1974, Leeds United fail to make the World Cup that year. The most successful manager of the club’s history, Don Revie (Colm Meaney) leaves his post to manage English National Football Team. His successor is the opinionated Brian Clough (Michael Sheen), who has some choice words about Leeds in the past. His new team does not like the new guy.

The action flashes back six years earlier, the days that he was with a fledging team of Derby County with his assistant manager Pete Taylor (Timothy Spall). During random drawing of which teams would square off, second division Derby is selected to play first division Leeds. The Derby team is humiliated by a loss when Leeds team implements dirty tactics to win their games.

This begins a rivalry between the two clubs. If Derby wants to be the best, they have to beat the best by any means necessary. Brian wants to have a player that could help them reach the top of the second division. The management goes with the over the hill, Dave Mackay (Brian McCardie). This swift action causes strife with chairman of the team, Sam Longson (Jim Broadbent).

His new strategy works as the club move up the second division to capture the cup. The nation takes notice about his accomplishment. Revie wants to humiliate Clough as much as he can.

Michael Sheen gave a very good performance in this movie. Some parts of the movie were very good with the self-realization that we good. I wish that the movie focused more on that. It mainly focused on Clough’s obsession with getting back at Revie. When the movie was over, I thought, “That’s it.” It felt like a hanging chad.

Judgment: There is a good movie here. You have to fish for it.

Rating: ***1/2

The deadliest weapon in the world is a marine and his rifle. It is your killer instinct which must be harnessed if you expect to survive in combat. Your rifle is only a tool. It is a hard heart that kills. If your killer instincts are not clean and strong you will hesitate at the moment of truth. You will not kill. You will become dead marines and then you will be in a world of shit because marines are not allowed to die without permission. Do you maggots understand?

– Gunnery Sargent Hartman

Full Metal Jacket is my favorite of Stanley Kubrick’s films. Granted I have not seen all of his films, but this #88 movie of All Time on IMDb I have seen a couple of times over the years. I know almost all of the dialogue. That should tell that I still love it.

Based on the novel “The Short-Timers” by Gustav Hasford, the story mostly centers on smart-alecky Pvt. Joker (Matthew Modine) when he was at Marine Corps boot camp in South Carolina called Parris Island. He gets a dose of reality when Gunnery Sgt. Hartman (R. Lee Emery) tries to reel his attitude in.

The next two months are grueling for the grunts that are in training for going out to Vietnam. Joker is promoted to squad leader and has to help a portly fellow affectionately nicknamed Gomer Pyle (Vincent D’Onofrio). Pyle is a constant target for Hartman who thinks that he is a worthless piece of shit.

Joker wants to help Pyle with the daily grind of learning how to dress himself, making up his bunk, conquer the obstacle course, disassemble and reassemble his rifle. Pyle tries to do his best, but he has minor fuck ups that cause Hartman to punish the platoon for not making him better.

The 3092 platoon has been punished one time too many for Pyle’s mistakes that cause the platoon to turns against him. In one single brutal act, Pyle snaps. He seems like he became the perfect soldier like Hartman wanted, but slowly unravels from within.

On the last night of boot camp, Pyle reached his breaking point when Joker patrols the barracks and finds him in the bathroom with his rifle.

Fast forward to Joker is deployed to Vietnam as a writer for Stars and Stripes. He travels with a photographer, Rafterman (Kevyn Major-Howard). He reconnects with Cowboy (Arliss Howard), a fellow grunt that survived. Cowboy’s a part of The Lust Hawk Squad with trigger happy, Animal Mother (Adam Baldwin), Eightball (Dorian Harewood), and Doc Jay (John Stafford).

When the team is lost going to their designated checkpoint, the team have to navigate some dangerous waters.

The last sequence of the movie makes me laugh; you would never expect it for this movie. I love the haunting score by Abigail Mead. It still gets to me. I wonder, what happened to Matthew Modine? He was so good in the movie. He has been in a few movies in the past couple of years. Nothing major. It makes you wonder.

Judgment: The ultimate lesson is that war will fuck you up physically and mentally.

Rating: *****

Winning the Palm D’Or a the Cannes Film Festival earlier this year. Michael Haneke’s “The White Ribbon” is creating a lot of buzz. It seems to be the favorite to win the Oscar this year for Best Foreign Language Film.

The story is about a German village during the beginning of WWI, the villagers are obsessed with purity.

The trailer is subtitled in English. The movie will open in limited released on December 30th. Expands in January.

Do you want your sister to lose weight? Tell her to get off the couch, stop eating twinkies and maybe go out for field hockey. You know what? No one ever knows what they want to be when they grow up. You know it takes a little, little while to find that out, right, Jim? And you… yeah, you. Sick of some jerk shoving your head down the toilet? Well, you know what? Maybe… you should lift some weights, or uh, take a karate lesson and the next time he’s tries to do it, you kick him in the balls.

– Donnie

I have no interest in seeing Richard Kelly’s latest movie, The Box. I thought I would go back to the movie that launched his career, Donnie Darko. Seeing this movie a mere handful of times over the years, I still find little nuggets that I hadn’t noticed in previous viewings. Overall, the movie that currently sits at #124 movie of All Time on IMdb is showing its age.

Taking place during October 1988, Donnie (Jake Gyllenhaal) is a Middlesex young man suffering from paranoid schizophrenia. He has stopped taking his medication. He begins getting strange visits from a guy in a deranged-looking bunny suit, Frank (James Duval) that tells him that the world will end on All Hollow’s Eve.

Frank instructs Donnie as he sleepwalks to ask him to do bad things around the neighborhood, which afterwards he doesn’t remember what he has done the previous night. During one of his sleepwalks; a 747-airplane engine mysteriously crashes through Donnie’s bedroom. Dr. Thurman (Katharine Ross), the therapist that tries to help Donnie hypnotizes him to get to the core of his delusions.

During English teacher Karen Pomeroy’s (Drew Barrymore) discussion about Graham Greene’s short story “The Destructors”; a new girl, Gretchen Ross (Jena Malone) comes into class. Donnie is immediately drawn to the emotionally damaged girl.

On the drive home, Darko car almost hits Ms. Sparrow aka “Grandma Death” (Patience Cleveland) when she is constantly checking her mailbox. She whispered some chilling words in his ear that set the movie into motion. Donnie seeks the advice of Dr. Monnitoff (Noah Wyle) about time travel and portals.

The conservative gym teacher, Miss Farmer (Beth Grant), who teaches the ways of self-help guru Jim Cunningham (Patrick Swayze) urges the parents to help stop “subversive materials” in the classroom that influences the kids. She might have a point when Donnie is urged from Frank to break the water main at his private school.

Donnie begins to lose control of reality when small wormholes form from the chests people around him. The intentions of Frank become more sinister as the 30th comes up. Life begins to spin out of control.

The themes of life, faith, the very existence on this Earth went completely over my head the other times that I have seen this movie. The movie is still as disturbing as ever about a boy that doesn’t want to exist in this world. The only complain I have is that the CGI is a little wonky.

Judgment: An impressive film about a troubled young man.

Rating: ****

I have been light on the reviews this week, because my computer decided to act damn fool. Everything is fine now. I decided to list the movies that I want to see this Oscar season.

**Quick note: I did not put “An Education” on here, because I will be seeing it tomorrow. Also I forgot to put “The Lovely Bones on my list. Maybe that should tell you something.**

10

“A Serious Man”

The Coens Bros. latest movie about a Jewish man that has a fucked up life in the 60s is not my cup of tea. I heard that this movie caters to Jewish people. It has an unknown cast. Hmm.

9

“The Last Station”

I heard some serious Oscar buzz about the Helen Mirren, Christopher Plummer and James McAvoy vehicle. A movie that shreads light on a semi-unknown person like Leo Tolstoy would interest me.

8

“Invictus”

When I saw the trailer for Clint Eastwood’s lastest, I was intrigued. This is not a typical biopic. Morgan Freeman plays Nelson Mandela and Matt Damon plays the captain of the South African rubgy team, Francois Pienaar trying to unite the nation at the 1995 World Cup. I typically don’t like inspirational sports movies, but I am willing to give this a try.

7

“Sherlock Holmes”

Guy Ritchie’s movies have been hit or miss, mostly miss. Anyone remember “Revolver”, “Rock N Rolla”? I enjoyed the multiple trailers about the reinvention of Arthur Conan Doyle’s master sleuth. I wonder how Robert Downey, Jr. interpretation will say to audiences.

6

“The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus”

It’s not because it’s Heath Ledger’s final movie role, but the visuals are breathtaking. The fantastical world that has Heath, Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law playing the same role is interesting to me.

5

“Up in the Air”

I think that Jason Reitman’s last movie was overhyped. Even though I loved “Juno”, it was not the movie that was said. The trailers for this movie with George Clooney as a frequent flier that is trying ti re-connect with humanity looks to be a solid follow-up.

4

“Nine”

I wished that Rob Marshall made the “staged musical” first instead of “Chicago.” I liked that movie, but it makes this movie seems like a copycat. I think that tale of Guido Contini and the women in his life would be interesting to see on the big screen.

3

“The Road”

John Hillcoat’s take on Cormac McCarthy’s book has been pushed back so many times that I wondered what the reception is going to be. I know that this movie is trying to repeat the success of The Coen’s “No Country for Old Men”. Let’s see what happens.

2

“A Single Man”

I heard about former fashion designer for Gucci turned film director, Tom Ford’s film got critical buzz after the Venice Film Festival when Colin Firth won Best Actor. The story is about the day in the life of a college professor that loses his lover of 16 years, and how he deals with life that comes his way.

1

“Precious”

Even though this movie is opening in limited release today, the movie is not opening here until next Friday. I saw the trailer on Oprah and I teared up at it. That never happens. The buzz surrounding this movie is deafening. I hope it lives up to the hype and my high expectations.

I was intending on re-watching Tomas Alfredson’s Let the Right One In for my horror movie marathon, but I didn’t. I reviewed this movie before, but I did not give credit where credit was due to superior film that blows Twilight out of the water. Now, that the remake, Let Me In is coming soon, I wanted to shower my praise on this film again.

John Ajvide Lindqvist adapted his book about a young twelve-year-old Swedish boy named Oskar (Kåre Hedebrant) who is constantly bullied at school. He dreams of the day that he could strike back.

One night, young girl, Eli (Lina Leandersson) moves into the apartment next door to his with an older man, Håkan (Per Ragnar). The new neighbors are not what they seem be. You notice that at night, Hákan has a kit containing a butcher knife, funnel, old gas can, flashlight, jar of acid and a gas tank, killing people in a quiet place and draining their blood. You think that he was a mass murder, but he has his reasons.

Every night, Oskar talks to Eli at the jungle gym in the courtyard of their apartment complex. The peculiar Eli who never wears a coat in the dead of winter intrigues Oskar. He tries to get to know her, but she doesn’t open up.

What Oskar doesn’t know is that when Eli is hungry, her next meal is Jocke (Mikael Rahm). The viewer knows that she is a vampire, but nobody else knows except for Gösta, (Karl-Robert Lindgren), a spinster cat man who watched what Eli did.

Eli and Hákan’s lives begin to unravel when Eli and Oskar’s friendship continues to grow. They rely on each other to each other every thing. Eli teaches Oskar to stand up for himself against the bullies. In turn, Oskar teaches Eli how to be the kid that she once was.

I watched this the same time as Twilight. This is the far superior vampire movie, because it doesn’t have shimmering shinned vamps that scare creepily at you. This movie has so many layers to it that you don’t realize upon a second viewing. The stark snow covered landscape painted with red, vamps actually drinking blood, the subtle nuances of the relationship between Oskar, Eli and Hákan.

The remake, Let Me In, is not going to have the dark humor, the sexual awakenings of pre-pubescent children, child-to-children violence, the obsession with knives, blood, and the revelation about Eli. It won’t fly. It would just a sterilized version that will cater to a mainstream audience.

Judgment: This is not your tween vampire story. This one is actually good.

Rating: ****

I pledge allegiance… to the band… of Mr. Schneebly… and will not fight him… for creative control… and will defer to him on all issues related to the musical direction of the band.

– Dewey Finn

To purge myself of the horror movie binge that I’ve been in for the past week, I wanted to watch a comedy. The School of Rock was a movie that I intended to see; because the positive buzz, it received a couple of years ago. It’s a breath of fresh rockin’ air.

Jack Black delivers a solid comedic performance as Dewey Finn, a slacker rock guitarist that is crashing on his friend’s, Ned Schneebly (Mike White) couch. Ned’s frigid girlfriend, Patty (Sarah Silverman) wants to kick him out unless he gets a job to pay the rent.

His band, No Vacancy decides to let him go, because of his showboating, the twenty-minute solos and him stage diving to no one. Desperate to find work, he wants to sell one of his Gibson guitars. Fate comes in when Dewey answers a call that was meant for Ned for a substitute teacher job from the principal of Horace Green Prep, Rosalie Mullins (Joan Cusack).

Dewey pretends to be Ned to get a job. When he goes into the classroom, he is hung over from the night before and he doesn’t want to teach the kids anything. Dewey learns that every Tuesday, the kids have music class. He likes what he hears, but he doesn’t like their stuffy type of music. He wants to teach the kids the fundamentals of rock.

Now that he is band-less, he shapes the kids to be his band so he could make it for Battle of the Bands in three weeks. It’s a secret project.

I am not a rock listener, per se, but I love watching people dealing with rock. It’s weird. I thought that the kids were very good. Jack Black was playing Jack Black, but turned up to eleven. I loved that he was Mr. Chips for the 2000s.

Judgment: A kick ass movie that makes you want to rock.

Rating: ****